Thursday, April 14, 2005

Warning - coffee spray alert

I got a mention by BlackFive, and in the same post, he talked about another SF soldier - name of Uncle Jimbo. I took a look at his homepage, and he's got some great stories of his own, so he's going to become a regular read for me - you'll find his blog over to the right, with the rest of the SOFBlogs.

He's also got this on his page - purportedly written by a PsyOps soldier name of Specialist Schwarz. WARNING: Put the coffee down before you follow the link - good way to ruin a keyboard, otherwise.

(Guy's definitely a soldier, almost certainly a PsyOps soldier, but I suspect that Schwarz may be a pseudonym - if it were me, I'd wait 'til the statute of limitations ran out before copping to some of these.) PsyOps soldiers are the guys who design information campaigns - propaganda, we used to call it before that became a bad thing - and they tend to be smart, clever, smartass, shoot from the hip guys. Some of that spills over in their relationship with the Army. In the case of SPC Schwarz, it looks like the spill was more like a dam bursting. Schwarz spent some time in Bosnia, where he learned there are a number of things you can't do in the Army - 213 of them, to be exact. Some of them include:

6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's'® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

Go read the whole thing - but don't forget what I told you about the coffee.


Also found a blog from Consul-at-Arms that's a fascinating read - he's former military who's currently an FSO (foreign service officer) with the State Department. Interesting spin on a lot of subjects, plus he's got got a Scots ancestry (or at least a healthy interest), and he reads Keith Laumer. I'm absolutely in favor of anyone from DoS who reads Laumer - it should be required reading for everyone over there. He's also to be found over to the right.

6 Comments:

Blogger Consul-At-Arms said...

"Negative on the flyby, AlphaGeek: the pattern is full."

Cheers!

2:43 AM  
Blogger Watch 'n Wait said...

Too bad I didn't listen to your advice. Lit a smoke, started reading that list, picked up my coffee.... Didn't think I'd make it while laughing and strangling at the same time.

3:28 AM  
Blogger Duffy said...

Odd. I read that list ages ago here: www.skippyslist.com which was down for some time. That list, which is identical, purports to be from someone named (surprise) Skippy. Any know which is the original?

1:03 PM  
Blogger Uncle Jimbo said...

I didn't write it and I found it two or three years ago. might have been from Skippy's site but it doesn't ring a bell.

10:32 PM  
Anonymous Spade said...

A buddy of mine who used to be in PsyOps (but has since injured his back [putting a box into a truck, of course]) told me that this guy was in PsyOps, his nickname was Skippy, he is still talked about, and the Army eventually found a way to get rid of him.

10:47 PM  
Blogger Uncle Jimbo said...

I posted a piece attributing the 213 laugh riot to the Skipmaster and cracked up again rereading it.

www.madison.com/post/blogs/militarymatters/index.php

4:48 PM  

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