Friday, May 27, 2005

More posts about tazers and food

(Pepper spray is a food product, by the way - spray some on your chicken tonight! So the title is fair, even if derivative.)

The worst part of tazer and pepper spray training was of course, getting hit with them. The best part was talking about it with the instructors over a beer afterward. The school we attended makes its instructors "re-certify" (read "re-experience") with pepper spray and tazer annually. Now, if you decided that an annual recertification was required, the logical thing to do would be to schedule a day for it and get it over with - with makeups for whoever was "out sick" (after all, you wouldn't want a headcold to get in the way of the experience.)

But nothing's ever simple when you gather a bunch of alpha wolves into an office building - all of the instructors are ex Special Forces or SEALs or Force Recon or Rangers or specialized law enforcement like SWAT. Naturally, they've developed a system that adds an element of excitement to the otherwise mundane task of an annual torture ritual.

Think of playing "Gotcha" in college, or of Inspector Clouseau and Kato in the Pink Panther movies. If you're an instructor, you will be tazed and pepper sprayed at some point during your "hire month" - the anniversary of the month in which you started your job. At some point during that month - from midnight on the first to midnight on the last day of the month - you'll get it. Actually, you'll get it twice, once with pepper spray and once with the Tazer. One of the other instructors is tasked as the assailant, and he spends the month stalking you. While work is the most common venue for the assault, it's been known to happen pretty much anywhere. There were stories of instructors doing a Die Hard and leaping sideways through an office door to nail the target before he could duck down behind his desk. One instructor agreed to a contract job overseas for his entire anniversary month just to get out of the office - the company paid another instructor to fly after him, somehow get a Tazer through customs, and track the victim down. He got hit in the elevator in his hotel.

The best story we heard was about the lengths one instructor went to to take his target completely unawares. He spent about $250 on a complete day spa package gift certificate and then approached the victim's wife. The deal was done: a day at the spa in exchange for her cooperation. One night, at about 2:30 in the morning, she slipped out of bed, her husband asleep beside her, and let the aggressor in. He took his station in the bedroom, and kicked the bed hard enough to wake the target. As soon as the victim's eyes opened and he started to sit up, he took two Tazer bolts right to the chest. None of us could figure out whether the story indicated a really strong marriage, or a really weak one, but we all thought the breakfast conversation the next morning was probably pretty animated.

Oh well, like they say in the army: it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye - and then it's hilarious.

By the way, I went looking back through the sitemeter thingy tonight, trying to figure out if anyone was still checking in here after my extended absence. I'd never really paid attention before, but one of the things that the site meter does is to provide a list of "referring pages" - a web page with a link to this site that the visitor clicked through to come here. Most of them are pretty obvious - Jack Army, Mudville Gazette, BlackFive, and the like - but there were also a number of google searches that I ranked high on. If you get here by way of a google search, welcome, but, judging by some of the search terms, I'm not sure you'll find what you were looking for. This blog is in google's top ten for all of the following search terms.

Some of them seem to make sense:
sf halo jump
camelback hose (camelback hose??)
"small unit tactics" mackall
Union Jack + Star spangled banner (from my star spangled banner post, no doubt)
sharana paktika
mountain resolve

Some of them seem a little irrelevant:
grow a beard while bald
loss prevention compusa

And some of them just hurt:
random comments about nothing (I'm at number 3!)

Also, one more blogger for the blogroll, Jean-Paul Borda at the National Guard Experience. He's a fellow techie type who, like me, also moonlights at killing people and breaking things.


Anonymous 11thacr said...

I check your post often. I like the Stories and your attitude. I got here from JB's Sanctuary. Jb's my Cousin.....and I'm very much Proud of that Lad.......
Keep up the Good Posts......

3:34 PM  
Anonymous Kristy said...

I don’t think the jury is out any longer on the tendencies to insanity among the Special Forces. I followed a link from this page to Uncle Jimbo a while ago and read through his shark story post. The language is pretty eye-popping but it’s a totally hilarious read. Basically, it’s the tale of how Uncle Jimbo and his pals get dropped from a helicopter with a rubber boat into shark-infested waters during training. One member of the team looks around and seems hesitant. Now, as I’m reading this, I’m thinking "Of course he’s hesitant. Geez, anyone would hesitate to risk his hide under those circumstances." But see, I’m normal and he’s in Special Forces, so instead or worrying about safety he attempts to organize the team into a shark-hunting expedition. AND THEY GO ALONG WITH IT. You SFers really are crazy.

Nice to have you back posting. :-)

4:52 PM  
Blogger Watch 'n Wait said...

The pepper/tazer activities just cracked me up. Am listening to "American Patrol"...Glenn Miller. The way those big bands of WWII used those horns is something to hear. Too bad you don't have the CD handy. Could play it while you're chasing each other down. I can see it all now. (grin) I have sitemeter too. Veddy veddy interesting at times. Stay cool...

11:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's Hilarious!

The story is very funny, but I've never really gone for the whole "You have to have a (insert instrument of pain here) used on you to 'experience' it" rationale.

I think that's beyond ridiculous. I don't have to get shot w/ my .45 to know the effects of it or how dangerous it is.

Having said that, taking "the ride" sucks!

Semper Fi!

5:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I missed you, dude! I checked in almost every day.

I've decided the great thing about being female is my testosterone levels are not high enough to volunteer to be tazed every year by alpha male cohorts. BTW-Good luck with that.

Keep the stories coming! I'm living vicariously through you guys!

On this Memorial Day weekend I want to thank all of you soldiers past and present for your service to our great Country!! I think you are AWESOME!! You're my heroes!

Conservative TX girl

2:41 PM  
Blogger The National Guard Experience said...

Unfortunately, I haven't killed me any Talibaner yet. Almost killed 2 suspected ones the other day with some 60 mm (steel rain).. Thanks for mentioning me on your blog - from one techie geek to another.

9:20 PM  
Blogger Special Forces Alpha Geek said...

Yeah, they're getting a little thin on the ground - we'll probably have to add them to the endangered species list soon:

"The once proud taliban, recognizable by his hat, dirty beard, and taliban shoes, once roamed freely across Afghanistan. Now largely confined to game preserves in Pakistan, the . . ."

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Alpha Geek,

Borda turned me onto to your blog. Stop posting please...I'm giggling in the MWR hut, and as a SFC it's just not manly to do so in front of all the young'uns. Great stuff.

By chance do you know Roger Pardo-Maurer? Old friend who used to be in 20th.

Thanks for the comedic interlude.


9:33 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Does the top brass actually think you'll forget what being tazered is like or what pepper spray feels like?

Geesh -- it must be the games you all go thru to get those dudes on their anniversay -- the brass needs to get their kicks too, I guess.

It's Memorial Weekend -- thanks for your service, Sir.


2:30 AM  
Blogger Xeus said...

That school's the best one I've been to so far.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Bec said...

You guys are having way too much fun! But at least you share with the rest of us...Thanks for all you do.

1:06 AM  
Anonymous jakob said...

camelback hose - you tried to drink but it was frozen. remember?

4:38 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home